Overcoming Overthinking
Overthinking is like constipation- it happens to everyone at some point. So if you were thinking you were the only one- you can stop right there. And especially if you are the achiever in the pack (which you are). It is nothing but a fundamental part of human nature to analyze people, situations, financial gains and losses, power struggles etc. But the important thing is to know when to let that itch go.
Why does it happen?
Short answer. Conversations. 9 out of 10 cases you’ll find yourself obsessing over a situation or interaction that went down with another person.
You don’t overthink on the act of breathing, or sunrise and sunset (except poets). But it happens when we take people and throw in a few circumstances. Perhaps because there’s no way for you to know what the other person might be thinking.
Again, it can happen between you and different sets of people. Your mother, father, brother, boss, coworker, classmate. But it almost always irks us the most in case of a romantic interest or your partner.
As I see it, overthinking is a way of keeping a person on your mind (voluntarily or involuntarily is a matter of debate). And since there is no perfect language of communication, your mind scouts for potential uncertainties in a conversation which server as the fodder for overthinking to get some control over situations.
Let’s say a girl or a guy suddenly starts texting you less frequently, to your surprise. What you do is you start rewinding everything. The things you said in the last conversation, rereading messages on your phone. All this to find ‘what went wrong’. You try to find any conceivable pattern. A moment. There is a term for this in marketing -the ‘delta moment’. In my view, it can be extended here as well.
The Delta moment syndrome
The futile and fanciful exercise to find a particular moment of occurrence in a conversation or interaction in order to ‘fix everything’.
Coming back to real life, you’ll never really know why someone didn’t move forward with you. It only gets worse from there. If you’re worried that someone might be losing interest in you, your mind goes for a toss and you feel too comfortable to jump to conclusions which are good for none.
It can also damage your relationships with people overall, since you’re used to fabricating possible causes due to which it might not go well between you and them. You could end up unintentionally projecting the same imaginary reasons the next time you date. This way you turn yourself anxious and run the risk of ruining what could’ve been an otherwise hunky dory relationship, that too for things which don’t even exist.
More often than not, humans themselves don’t know why they do what they do. Thus any attempt to play ‘Sherlock’ will fail and is a sure shot recipe of getting doomed.
What to do when we overthink?
- Root cause analysis
Mixed signals are a pain. But so are they tantalizing. Who wouldn’t try to ‘solve the puzzle’ if the reward for it was your ‘dream guy/girl’. My advice here would be ‘don’t be too hard on yourself’. Even if the interactions are confusing or because you probably have a crush.
2. Your perspective
If someone said something to you. What really bothered you. Is it about that person itself or is it about me?
3. Where is the other person coming from- Their perspective
Once you’re certain that you’re sane, take a minute to view it from the other side. Maybe this person is usually like this, or they remind you of someone you can’t stand, or they’re just having a bad day.
4. Vulnerability- Embrace it
I don’t know why being vulnerable is viewed as a weakness in today’s world. I think of it more as an opportunity.
Especially if it is only because you’re crushing on someone. Remember that you’re only in your head about it.
5. Put down your phone
Yes . Do that. Just do that.
6. Talk it out
Simple. No nonsense method which works like a charm on almost every occasion where you’re naturally close to the person. Just talk to them about what’s wrong and half the problems will solve themselves out.
7. Take onus
Charity begins at home. At the very least, take acknowledgement of your overthinking and try to understand it by asking the question ‘Why?’
8. To each is own
If all fails, just keep reminding yourself that you have zero control over what other people, do or say. It becomes easier.
